Sunday, February 19, 2012

Steal Fire Extinguishers

An easy to follow step-by-step 'How To' tutorial for one of the most important skills necessary in life!  In less than a week, you too can [illegally?] play with an Australian fire extinguisher!


Step 1:  Invite random friends who you don't really know from one of your dance classes to drinks, not romantically, but because going home early during the day is embarrassing to you and your hosts.

Step 2:  Get invited to the birthday party of said dancer friend's friend, preferably a karaoke bar, three days later.

Step 3:  Go to said karaoke bar birthday party, with the promise of everyone at the karaoke bar to have tone deaf ears.

Step 4:  Upon entering the bar, notice the 38 year old Malaysian woman singing "I Will Always Love You" and "The Power of Love" sings with the vocal accuracy and intensity of Whitney Houston and Celine Dion.  Also notice the poorly dressed [mysterious red dress, oversized men's blazer, coke-bottle glasses, shabby red wig, wrinkly white stockings, and 4-day facial hair] drag queen sitting in the corner.

Step 5:  Realize that everyone in the bar actually can sing, including all of the birthday party guests.  Except for the drag queen, who attempted to sing "Dancing Queen."  Not so mysterious symbolism.

Step 6:  Come to the resolution that you won't sing in front of these strangers.

Step 7:  Fall under the peer pressure to imbibe on the many bottles of beer and cider bought for you by said dancer friend and new not-dancer-friend-of-dancer-friend, and in return buy the house chicken wing specialty.

Step 8:  Talk about heartbreaks for at least 20 minutes.

Step 9:  Sing Savage Garden's "I Knew I Loved You" in a trio with said dancer friend and new not-dancer-friend-of-dancer-friend, and not realize that no one clapped at the end.  Continue partaking in beer and cider.

Step 10:  Bike home safely whilst under the influence.

Step 11:  Eat a quick snack of peanut butter and jelly on toast, and a few bites of the gnocchi and tomato sauce you made for dinner earlier that day.

Step 12:  Vomit the food you just ate.

Step 13:  Sleep for 5 hours, and get up mid-morning to make a breakfast of Weet-bix and bananas.  After taking one bite, realize you still feel like vomiting and go back to sleep.

Step 14:  Wake up in the afternoon, make two bowls of ramen and eggs, and notice how thankful you are to be alive, and how you'll never touch a drop of alcohol again.

Step 15:  Get a text from new-not-dancer-friend-of-dancer-friend inviting you to the Wine & Food Festival nearby.

Step 16:  Arrive at the Wine & Food Festival to meet up with new-not-dancer-friend-of-dancer-friend for a few minutes, and watch as he and his friends leave.

Step 17:  Wander around the Festival on your own, watching Australian bands cover 80s rock songs and Beyonce.  Additionally, notice how many people are walking around with glasses of wine, and how looking at said glasses delivers a hard pang to your stomach and kidneys.

Step 18:  Watch Master Chef Michael Weldon make ratatouille.

Step 19:  Get two free loaves of bread.  WHAT.

Step 20:  Stop by the American Candy Stand Cupcake Cafe, and inquire on what makes the American Hot Dog they sell American.  Note how expensive the candy is [$4 for a single Twinkie, $1 for a Reese's Mini Peanut Butter Cup, $1 for a single Twizzler, etc.].  Buy a chocolate cherry ripe cupcake instead.

Step 21:  Read Sun Tzu's The Art of War.  Get asked by the girl sitting in the table next to you what could make war an art.  Carry on the conversation for several hours.

Step 22:  Get invited to go with Kaitlin Honeychurch [yes, that must be her name] and her friend, both of whom who work in the Cupcake Cafe, to drinks.

Step 23:  Just drink water.  Keep rehydrating.

Step 24:  Meet friends of Kaitlin Honeychurch's friend.  Discuss traveling, security guards, sticky floors, romance, and wine.

Step 25:  Insist on going home, because you have important dance school teachers to meet in the morning, and end up walking with new friends.

Step 26:  Walk past the deconstruction of the Wine & Food Festival, and watch as your new [inebriated] friend picks up the fire extinguisher a few feet away from the construction men, and let yourself be whisked down a different street [leading away from your bike] to avoid being caught.

Step 27:  Let chaos ensue with said fire hydrant.

Step 28:  Explain to one of your new friends [who bears an uncanny resemblance to Amy Winehouse, Megan Fox, and Katy Perry] that running into the carbon dioxide spray won't melt her face and turn it into acid and force her to live on the outskirts of society.


These twenty eight easy-to-follow steps are now in your hands!  Good luck, future renegade of the law!  Steal those fire hydrants; no life is worth living if you haven't done so.  Although the material gains are minimal, the moments experienced and the memories made are worth more than their weight!

I myself have tried it only once, but I can attest to the effectiveness of this program!  If I've learned anything from this How-To, it's this: if you turn down alcohol offered from a semi-stranger, it might cost you the opportunity to break the law.

Note:  I made the poor decision to not hydrate whilst partaking in delicious beer and cider.  Don't make the same mistake.  Water water water.


1 comment:

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